You Don’t Deserve Candy

For Valentine’s Day, I gave my husband a heart-shaped box (oh, shades of Nirvana!) that was filled with miniature Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups. He ate about three of them, and then completely ignored the rest. I watched that pile of chocolate-peanutbuttery goodness for a week, two weeks, a year (in candy-watcher’s time) before I pounced on them and unwrapped and devoured every single blob of caloric heaven. And then I wah-wahhh’d because I’m so fat.

Two nights later, my husband asks if I have seen his candy. No, I honestly haven’t seen it…recently, that is. Then, I break down and confess. I would make a really crappy spy: he didn’t subject me to torture or anything other than rolling his eyes at me before I spilled the beans and incriminated myself.

I come from a long line of candy lovers. My Nana and PopPop owned a candy store and the highlight of our visits (at least for me!) was a trip behind the counter where we would be given little white paper bags to fill with as much candy as we could possibly smoosh into every crevice. Ahhh…yes. And the care packages once we were back home!  SOLID chocolate bunnies; none of this hollow stuff that beckons and betrays the innocent. I grew up on Russell Stover chocolates and jelly beans. I did discriminate, however. For Evidence #1, I present to you the box of assorted chocolates, complete with the ones missing a bite because they had a yucky strawberry filling or some kind of ick that I presumed  that grown-ups liked because I sure as heck did not.

Now, back to my poor deprived husband. I felt badly about eating his present, so I replaced it with a small box of very high-classed chocolates. It has been eleven days and he has only consumed TWO of the four pieces. Does he do this to tease me, to prove that he has superior self-control? Or is he easily satisfied with one piece per week. WHAT IS HIS PROBLEM?? Don’t worry: I am not going to attack his replacement gift. That would just perpetuate a long line of replacement chocolates, ad nauseum. For sure.

I will just look longingly at the box each time I pass by, but I won’t succumb.

Just (Don’t) Do It!

11 thoughts on “You Don’t Deserve Candy

  1. Just couldn’t help commenting on this one as well. I don’t understand men and chocolate. About a week ago, I ate my husband’s stash from Christmas. Yes, Christmas, three months ago. And it wasn’t even chocolate…just sugar. How sad is that?! And he went looking for them after his run…and that’s another beef. But of course they weren’t there! I think I need therapy!

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  2. You had me at solid chocolate bunny. I had heard rumours, but couldn’t bring myself to believe it.
    So how did it go with the replacement?
    If you knew how apt this is for my relationship with chocolate and chocolate gifts you’d larf.
    I recently unintentionally(kind of like sleep walking but awake) ate about 80% of a big box of Maltesers my mum’s friend had bought her. I was horrified when I realised what I’d done. I drove especially to the supermarket and bought another box exactly the same.
    Now you must understand that Maltesers are like crack cocaine to me. I don’t know how it happened, but somehow I managed to demolish the second box too. So then a third. I drew the line there though because it felt like I would be damaging myself on a spiritual level if I continued. It used to be the same with alcohol presents but I managed to tame that beast. I just make sure I’m drunk all the time now so I don’t need to drink anyone else’s.
    Your posts are funny Susan. You should really write a book if you haven’t already.

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  3. I (obviously) completely, totally understand! At least crack wouldn’t make me cry when I stepped on the scale, but it is a WHOLE LOT more money than chocolate. Have you written a book? Because your posts make me laugh all the time; except for the serious poems. And those are wonderful, too.

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    • Ah thank you majestic goddess! (hint: I save the best compliments for those who say nice things)
      I have written a poetry book but I’m afraid it’s the opposite of humorous cos its only about OCD and depression. I aim to do 2 more poetry books. And I have a half written novel to finish. And some more novel ideas. There’s one about a crazy man who falls in love with his sister’s dog which I think will be along the lines of what you mean 😉
      I cant wait to get stuck into that one. But I feel like I need to finish the other one first.
      I probably should use that style in books as it seems to be what people prefer. I’m really learning as I go here Susan. I have zero writing credentials, and I’m not sure I can pull it off really. You seem to have it down pretty smoothly. I bet if you wrote a book of stories like the ones on your blog it would do well(if it was marketed well enough to be seen of course – the old flooded market problem!). I’d buy it(that’s not binding though – I’m penniless and I’m kind of assuming you’d send it me as a free gift so I wouldn’t have to)(I’m getting ahead of myself, I know)(arrgghhhh stuck in the brackets quicksand agaaaaaaaiiiiiinnnnn!)(send help Susan!)

      Liked by 1 person

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